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No More Playing Small

In Spring last year I had been feeling that I wasn't capable of doing many of the things I wanted to do.

Some of that definitely came from having fibromyalgia and knowing how limiting it can be. But the majority of that feeling was in my head, helped along in no small part by a husband who had a vested interest in keeping me feeling that way.

I got to the point where I knew I had to do something about it and I booked myself a break in Rome. On my own. Just me. This was the kind of thing the old me would have done. I was excited. There were a couple of months before my flight. I spent the time making plans - I wanted to be free and capable but was also mindful that I do have some very real limitations, so I looked into ways to mitigate them as much as possible. So I found out what help I could get at the airport, arranged for my AirBnB host to drive me from the airport.

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I went. And it was wonderful. I had to do a lot more walking than I had planned but I did it; I had to shorten my days a bit, resting in the evening, but that meant I could push myself again the next day and enjoy my time. I negotiated the websites for the trains and Metro system and bought my tickets online, found local restaurants and tried out my Italian with friendly locals. I sat in St Peter's Square sipping espresso from a nearby coffee cart (so much better than the "coffee" served in the Vatican café, which was undrinkable!).

<img src="https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5d8aa184239fd0080c6e8bda/1603436658580-7WFBJ6GFOBZZGZ6RX0B2/rome2019" alt="rome2019" />

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I saw the Vatican, Sistine Chapel and Colosseum. I ate ice cream in the sun by the Spanish steps. And generally proved to myself that I was, indeed, capable of doing this stuff. And I realised that I always had been, but I had allowed the demons in my head to take over. No more. I redoubled my efforts with mantra to build up my emotional strength and trust in myself. And I ditched the husband too, shortly after returning to England ;)

I haven't let those demons back in since. Of course, they haven't disappeared - we all have those negative voices, but I don't listen to them anymore, and don't allow them space in my head. Because, I am DONE with playing small!

What demons do you need to evict from your head at the moment?

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